‘Its that time of night’

Fate – Destiny – Blog explanation – Concepts – A few words.

Currently I am heavily into the Star Wars Expanded Universe. I was thinking deep about this most famous and successful franchise, its plot and the morality tale that it fundamentally contains. We all know about the Jedi Knights fighting against the Sith, its most famous characters being that of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and lesser well known ones, but by no means less important, the battle between Obi Wan and Anakin Skywalker. The whole six episodes deal with issues such as pride, faith, anger, morality, the power of light over darkness, falls and eventual redemption. Also, and this made me think a lot more deeply about the storyline, fate and destiny are two main components throughout the two trilogies. Luke, Anakins son, ends up fated to discover his Sister, Princess Leia through the astrodroid R2-D2 – who is on a mission to find Obi-Wan-Kenobi. Anakin, as a boy, is fated to find Qui-Gon-Jinn – the Jedi Master from Episode One – and ends up being saved from slavery and is trained to be a Jedi. Qui-Gons discovery of Anakin stems from the conflict on Naboo caused by the Trade Federation and Separatists being told to blockade the planet by none other than the Sith Chancellor Palpatine. If Palpatine had not guided the Trade Federation into this conflict, then Anakin would have remained undiscovered. What force was working for this destiny to happen? Obviously the whole two trilogies are stories and hold no basis in actual reality – but re-watching them recently made me think a lot more deeper than I have done over these great films. They are, I would suggest, a futuristic science fiction tale from the Bible, combining politics, conflict, good vs. bad.

 

I was re-reading the blog posts I had created since December 2008, the date I activated my WordPress account. I think now at this point that I am really unsure what to write here, online. I believe that some of the life-situation posts were an attempt to explain how I felt since my ex-wife decided to throw me out of my home and, most importantly, what I suffered consequently, such as suffering and experiencing homelessness (and what an eye-opener that was), being robbed, violently assaulted and so on. As I stated, I am a quiet, gentle, sensitive guy and this really shook and rocked my whole world – and I still think that I have not recovered from it and probably will never forget. Blogging, for me, was a method of trying to literally and mentally deal with issues from this and I just may have tread on some of my families toes by saying things, which quite fundamentally, are very very personal to me. This also makes me question why I said things, or posted articles which basically bared my soul to, at a base level, the whole world. I am a private man, but I felt a need to write what I wrote and make it public. I did not go out to hurt peoples feelings – it was not my intent, and for those who will read this, all I can say is that I am sorry for re-opening things that were best left untouched. I am sorry.

Also, this blog contains works that I created whilst I studied a creative writing course. From the first one about some important childhood memories, to some short stories that I wrote for a particular girl that I really really cared about. I think the creative writing class I took was probably the best course I had ever taken – unfortunately I stopped attending, but it made me create some literate things and encouraged me to write deep from my heart. My teacher was lovely too and this always helps.

Not much is happening in my life at the moment. I am trying hard to finish reading the whole of the Dune novels – I had only read the first trilogy before, but now am making a final effort to finish the rest of them. What a great series they are however. Highly recommended. Great Science Fiction without it being Science. More philosophical than future technology and this good.

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‘Add a couple of years…’

It has been over one year since I blogged and wrote ‘A Brief Testament’. In that blog I described how I was mainly the sole child-rearer, almost from the day both my two sons were born, and my subsequent marriage disintegration and how I felt wrongly cheated. It was me who was the primary parent during the day; doing the main tasks (changing nappies, taking to nursery and school, doctors appointments and so on – all those little essential, important things) whilst my ex-partner was at work, progressing her career, which she did remarkably well. Not wanting to tread old ground here, but yes, later a feeling of being housebound was making itself present in my life, a form of frustration that I could be offering the world more, earning money and using my skills. It was not anger against her (I am the least aggressive man you could ever wish to meet, truth), but it left me feeling a dreaded sense of helplessness against the direction my life was leading. Why this was so is probably because I was a professional IT worker, studying nearly two years for a Computing Degree – I considered myself a really skilled worker within the IT sector – but I never gained full time employment from it. I do not know why and it certainly was not through want of trying. I think that is another search deep within myself to find those, more or less, elusive reasons which led to my predicament. And there are many, so many.

In the twenty months since I have been separated, I have gone through the most brutal time I have ever known in my whole thirty-eight years of life. To find the reasons why this is so is no easy task, and it goes back a long, long way. To live with a Woman for fifteen and half years, being married for seven of them and producing two of the most gorgeous, happiest children I could wish for and then ending up in, quite frankly, a hell that I never ever want to discuss, really began to make me question everything I was and had become – and that is no small task for someone who had never had an easy life. When you begin to reminisce about your youth, your happiest times and see from beyond those years, in your mind, a time of wasted opportunities, then I think we start to become ‘unhealthy’, both in our minds and in our soul. What you perceived yourself to have been in those early, formative, character-making times and what you became before your life took a direction that was forced off the beaten path, then it does not become easy to fit the right jigsaw piece into place. They become two different opposites, pieces from two different puzzles, two alternate directions; the one path screaming at you, the other enticing you into certain demise and ruin.

And I suppose we are all guided by our own instincts, or our own moral code, with our behaviour and personality being the main character formers. Looking back, it sometimes seems as if I was led down that wrong path with deliberate intentions to ruin, becoming misled and ending up being misguided. For me however, it is pure conjecture on the reasons why I ended up in such a messed up state. Again, as I mentioned above, it becomes unhealthy to dwell on these matters and alcohol addiction does not help things either. So, nearly two years since I split from my wife and I am left asking the question where does it go from here? I have had one failed relationship since then – it lasted all of about three months – and in view of that I have not really looked for anyone else. Perhaps I feel too hurt with what has occurred in my life since 2008, possibly I find it hard to trust anyone anymore? Maybe I don’t know how to form a relationship because I still am reeling from what happened to me? Whatever the reasons, whoever the culprits, I feel deep down that I am really, utterly hurt with what has gone on. I feel a wreck.

We have just had an election over here in the UK. Thirteen years of New Labour has now ended with a hung Parliament with the Liberal Democrats forming a new Government with the Conservative Party. If this was the correct thing for the Lib Dems to have done, I don’t know. In my opinion, I see rifts and divisions in the future – I think that is certain – but how they deal with the economy will, I think, be the key factor to their success. I may blog a bit more on this. Perhaps it may give me something to focus on.