I guess its that time to write a yearly review, an analyses of the preceding twelve months of our life’s, our ups and downs, the ins and outs of a year of our existence. Some of us may have a load of things to say, a lot of activity, a lot of good events that may have occurred since January 2010. This is a good thing, because we do not want to have to write a review of 2010 being centred about a slow demise, even worse than 2009, and especially preceding from the last several months of 2008. So, what I am trying to say, for my own reasons, is that I cannot really write about 2010 just as an subjective thing. I must also look at this past year from an objective viewpoint; I must take a step back and look at the past two years standing as a bystander, a person overlooking events that have occurred in my life since August 2008. I cannot take, for instance, one year, this year, and look at it without looking at 2009 and the latter months of 2008 without being able to fit them into place, to find the right pieces of my jigsaw, to allow the progression of the puzzle, the huge one-thousand piece one which is a puzzle of my destiny, my life; jigsaw pieces that are so small and challenging that to find the right piece to allow us to move ahead requires great skill and knowledge of putting puzzles together, working out what actually makes this jigsaw work.
So let this be a look back of my life since August 2008. I fail to see how else, rationally, I could write about my life in 2010 without analysing what has occurred since that time, the time I became homeless and I became separated from my wife of fifteen long years. This year has seen me move from temporary accommodation (as I was homeless) into a slightly more secure place, but not by a huge margin. I still immensely dislike where I live, considering that I lived in a really nice area, in a secure home, bringing up my children, working part time as website designer as well as an IT professional (building and fixing computers as well as being an IT consultant), and oh well, blah blah blah. Its a moan and I will not go into what I was before the marriage disintegration. I think this blog I set up in December 2008 describes enough of what I went through and how plain wrong I thought the whole situation. Its there for all to read. I have nothing to hide or lie about.
2010 – a decade since I was an IT student studying for a computing science degree, a degree I was flying through. In that decade I experienced getting married, having kids and sacrificing my career in raising my two sons. Fast forward to late summer 2008 and everything I worked for in the preceding fifteen years goes down the drain, down the pan, into the gutter, into a slow but very sure, demise, stemming from my experiences when I became homeless. I do not think I could ever literally describe the horrors of being homeless and the adverse effect it had on my psyche and wellbeing. It begins to make me wonder about things very deeply indeed. I can now fully appreciate the problems of being homeless, more so than ever before. I wish for those who made me homeless never to have to go through the hell I experienced, because I am not an vindictive creature, which I would like to argue, the ones who made me suffer are. C’est la vie – I suffer and cope, as I always have done as it is not new to me.
I have to start anew for the next year. I really have to do something instead of continuing along this self-destructive path that I am currently following, a path, that whilst may seem to offer brief respites during my evenings via alcohol, and is probably some form of protest against injustice, is slowly but very surely taking its toll on me. 2011 is the year that I reach the age of forty. A middle-aged man. A time that for most of us sees us planning towards retirement, seeing our children grow up, our careers blossom and flourish; the half way mark of living, of life, of our time on this Earth. I was headed towards this two and half years ago until my whole life, lifestyle, family and so on becomes ruptured from me, pulled from under my feet with such force that it left me reeling and unable to regain a balance, form another relationship, trust again, find a new job and a new home. I was totally unprepared for it, although in hindsight it was probably on the cards for sometime but I became blinded to its inevitability, as I always have been blinded to things and events surrounding me.
2011 occurs in two weeks from when I write this. Perhaps this post is a sort of new years resolution, a method of literally expressing a vain hope for a better year than the previous two, but fundamentally it will come down to what I do with it, how I will alter the way my life is turning out and the direction that I have let it become, the path I chose. I must put aside the wrongs that have been inflicted upon my mind, body and soul and try to start again, to let the past finish having its say (and it has had its say over two years), and from my inner depths I must find the strength to continue onwards, upwards, and try and halt the screaming path downwards, the one I have a one-way ticket for. If I can jump onto a path back up, if I can abandon this floundering ship being hammered by uncanny winds, then I might, just might, stand a chance of recovering. Thank you for reading.